How a comman human, who's still failing - fails!

 

What it feels to fail commonly?

I’m a 22-year-old guy, raised in a good family. We belong to the middle section of the middle class, so I’ve been lucky enough not to be desperate for food or clothing. At the same time, I was raised to be humble and aware of what’s within my reach and what’s not.

Even though we’re not that rich, we’re not that poor either – thanks to my parents working their ass off for the last three decades.

If I were to put it bluntly – “I’m not desperate enough!” Not desperate enough to have that look on my face where I want everything. But, I know the value of money. And I know the fact that; for my loved ones to rest without any materialistic worries – I need a hell lot of money. I know the fact that – earning money at the expense of losing those who’re close to me, is a stupid human mistake. I wish to remain close to my loved ones. But, I wish to have my own solitude life too. I wish to earn ton of money, but I wish to live frugal.

These have been my thoughts even since I reached maturity. I’ve become quite emotionally adaptable, I think. I’ve grown closer to my father after a whole year of awkward attempts. I’m not particularly connected with any of my loved ones, so they know I’m not the type who reaches out for obligation purpose or something. I’ve let those who’ve met me, see my true genuine self, so that they know I’m not some pretentious guy.

This has been my victory! This is what I’ve consider as my victory. For the past seven years, this has been my end-goal. “To reach the starting point in my life!” And, this is my starting point.

I have four months to get a job in pen-testing. Before the end of this year, I must get a job in any post, in cybersecurity field. I must start somewhere now.

And, This is what I consider my failure. Now that I look back at my past self – I have been too ignorant and immature to invest in any sort of income skills. And that hits hard now. All I did was, strengthen my soft skills. I was that pathetic back then. I wasn’t close with anyone, neither did I wish for any social relationship. I preferred solitude back then. I still prefer solitude now – but I’ve grown enough to not hurt anyone else due to my preference.

My problem is – I care too much, I overthink too much. And, I never stay consistent at anything I do. I have perseverance. But my inconsistency tanks it down too much, slowing the progress.

And that’s what’s happening right now!

I’m burning out! Again!

I take too much at once. Then struggle to keep up with them. I know the fact that multi-tasking is not for everyone, and I, too, am among those who are not compatible with multi-tasking.

But this body never listens. I make plans. I make promises. I try my very best to keep myself accountable. But I fail. Everytime. Every-Single-Time.

I’ve been failing every time, my whole life. Every failure has taught me one thing or another, at the expense of ‘things’. But I continue failing. My current goal is to make a good routine for myself. A routine where I can go to bed with a proud face, without getting exhausted. Without fighting with validations. Because I always lose the fight with my shadow(see previous blog). He always wins.

He eventually teaches me things the hard way, but the expense is too much to bear for this ordinary human.

I’m failing today as well. I have read many articles, watched videos, and practised many methods. But, I’ve never stuck to any of them consistently.

My two biggest enemies right now are:-

• Inconsistency, and

• Shadow.

I’ve reached the starting point of my adult life now. Where everything has been set. I’ve even prepared myself to face the death of my loved ones in the near future. Everything has been calculated over the course of the last decade, thanks to my overthinking, lonely kid self. What matters now is that the adult me takes action.

I need to grow up. I need to resolve this problem of inconsistency somehow. That’s the biggest black fog I see in my straight path of life filled with thorny bushes.

(Oh, I haven’t told you guys about this imaginary path, right?)

There exists this imaginary path. I call it the path of my life. I walk there. And whenever I see a black fog blocking my way, I assume that there is a problem I need to solve if I wish to level up ahead. This feels like a game. A simple game with a short algorithm. But, yeah. To me – that’s my life. Human life is complex. But, if I were to tell someone about ‘my’ life, I would tell them about this unnamed path. My whole life revolves around this.

There are few other complicated human stuff, but that can wait for later!

Hope I find a solution for the inconsistency. Hope I become skilled enough to get a job before the end of this year. Hope I become strong enough to not expect things too much in life.

I hope the same for you too.

See you soon!